I don't believe you
by TootsieThecat
Summary: Dan does nothing but make Phil cry. Then Dan cries, and that makes Phil cry harder. Dan is a nuisance. He's holding on the a world that doesn't need him. Doesn't want him. Nobody wants him. But when did Phil become nobody? T for Suicide, depression, cutting, and language.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

Dan searched the cupboard for the needed painkillers.  
>"Phil?" No response. "Phil!"<br>Phil appeared in the doorway. "Sorry, I was filming. What do you need?"  
>"Where are my painkillers?" Phil's face darkened.<br>"I have them." He said blankly. Dan groaned.  
>"So where <em>are they <em>Phil?" He slammed the bathroom cupboard shut, and turned to look at his boyfriend.  
>"I dunno."<br>"You _lost _them?"  
>"No, I just... I dunno.." He leaned against the doorframe and stared at the ceiling. He was an awful liar.<br>"Phil."  
>"Dan, you take em way to often. I really think you should lay off for a while, you know? It can't be healthy."<br>"And who asked you?"  
>"You did. Three years ago, when you asked me out." Phil retorted.<br>"I asked for a boyfriend, not another mum." Dan replied, sifting through the cabinet once more. "My stomach really hurts, Phil. I won't take anymore today if you just give me one now." Dan pleaded. Phil studied him.  
>"I don't believe you." He replied. Yet, he still dug out a small orange container, and tossed it to Dan, the pills in the bottle rattling.<br>"Thank you." He responeded, taking a swig of water.  
>"You should really see a doctor, Dan." Phil said.<br>"I've already have, remeber. He gave me these pills." He held up the bottle.  
>"Not that kind of doctor, Dan..."<br>Dans face darkened.  
>"I'm never going to anywhere like that agian. Okay? Those people get into your head, it just made everything worse as a kid."<br>"Yea, but you're an adult now. Maybe you could handle it."  
>"I'm fine."<br>"Dan-"  
>"I said I'm fine!" He repeated louder. Silence filled the bathroom, and for ehat seemed like hours, the boys just stared at eachother.<br>Phil raked a hand through his obsidian hair. "Sometimes you worry me." He turned and walked back into his room. Dan felt his stomach bubbling in response to the pills. Maybe he really did need a doctor.

* * *

><p>Dan on his couch, absent mindedly scrolling through tumblr. Liking fan posts, commenting on funny pictures, answering wuestions, and just connecting with phans in general.<br>Phil walked in and sat next to Dan, leaning his head on his shoulder, watching what he did.  
>"He phil." He kissed the top of his black hair.<br>"Hey Bear." He responded. And they just sat there, tumblr post after tumblr post. Quietly.

Usually Dan and Phil's little bickerings ended that way, they'd just sort of find eachother again, without words.

They're loud silence was broken by Phil's phone going off.  
>"Who is it?" dan asked, not taking his eyes off the screen.<br>"Oh... um... PJ. Yea... PJ."  
>Liar.<br>"Ok, who is it really."  
>Phil looked up at him pleadingly.<br>"Phil?"  
>"You worry me too much, Dan."<br>Dan stood.  
>"You called a doctor." He said quietly, unbelievingly.<br>Phil stood as well.  
>"Dan, I couldn't just let you... drown in your own stress and depression! You really need help!"<br>Dan shook his head hard.  
>"Phil I specifically told you not to-"<br>"And what was I supposed to do, I'm really bad at this Dan!"  
>"You weren't supposed to-"<br>"And when you're sad, I'm sad. I care Dan, really."  
>"Phil-"<br>"I'm just afraid that one day, you're gonna..." Phil stopped.  
>"Kill myself?"<br>Phil didn't respond.  
>"Phil, if I wanted to die, I would have done it a long time ago." Dans hair shaded his face as he stared at the floor.<br>Phil shook his head. "I don't believe you." He replied softly. Dan rolled his eyes. "Why do you always say that?"  
>"Because I don't. We never even tell eachother the truth anymore. We just lie! You're not fine, Dan. I can tell. Its always on your face, you're sad. You're always sad." Phil was crying now. It really did hurt him to see Dan like this.<br>"Phil. I'm fine. Alright? I'm happy." Phil shook his head.  
>"Dan, you need to stop that."<br>"What do you want me to do Phil?"  
>"I want you to be honest." He said.<br>"Alright. I'm deperessed. I'm sad and stressed and tense and just downright depressed. I grew up with a homophobic and uncaring mother, and an even more homophobic, drunken, and abusive father. I met you.. and... and I wasn't depressed anymore. But now I am again, and I dont know why. Its all very simple see."  
>Dan ran out the door and slammed it behind him, leaving a very shocked Phil alone.<p>

* * *

><p>Dan kept runnig. Faster and fast. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know where to go. All he knew was that he hurt Phil, which is something he'd never want to do.<br>Running faster and faster, his legs started to cramp. He couldn't see straight, and he was getting dizzy. Finally he stopped at a park, about a mile and a half from their house. He leant over, his hands balanced on his knees. Taking deep breaths.  
>His breaths turned into coughs, and his coughs tunred into sobs.<br>Phil probably hated him now, or was just crying on the couch. Dan has been making Phil cry lately. Phil would be so much better off with out him. Phil would find a good, nice boyfriend. One who wasn't depressed. Who didn't overuse painkillers.  
>A goodd boyfriend.<br>Dan cried just as much as Phil. If not, more. But Phil didn't make Dan cry like Dan made Phil cry. Their relationship was just a pit. Every participant was sad.  
>Dan lay there, as the sky started getting dark.<br>The Attack on Titan theme started playing on Dan's phone. The ringtone he had set for Phil.  
>"Hello?" Dan tried his best to keep his voice steady.<br>"Dan! Where are you?"  
>At the sound of Phil's voice, Dan started crying all over again.<br>"Dan, i'm in the car. Where are you? Dan?"  
>"I'm sorry Phil."<br>"What?"  
>"I'm a nuisance."<br>"Don't say that, you're just sad. I get it, It's not your fault. Just... Where are you?"  
>"I'm..." He looked around.<br>"I'm at the z-zoo."  
>"The zoo? Dan! Thats twenty miles away! How did you get there?"<br>"I r-ran."  
>"That can't be healthy. It must've taken you at least two hours of running!"<br>"Y-yea."  
>"Dan, I'm coming to get you. Okay? Wait there."<br>"I'll wait. Bye." Dan abrubtly hung up the phone.  
>"Dan?" Phil said into the empty phoneline.<br>Dan had to lie. The zoo was the opposite direction of the park, and Dan needed to get home.  
>Because at home, Phil was gone.<br>And at home,  
>Well, that was where his razors were.<p> 


	2. I want to die, Phil

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 2**

Dan opened his macbook and updated his twitter, facebook, tumblr, and instagram. All with a very simple message;

_Livestreaming in 5. I don't know if you will understand this or not.  
><em>

Dan wondered if anyone would even care enough to watch. It didn't matter, anyway.  
>He went into his bathroom and grabbed multiple orange pill bottles, razorblades, and vodka from his kitchen.<br>he sat down on his bed, wiped his eyes, and started his livestream.  
>"Hello... internet... My name is danisnotonfire. I guess you know that. Or maybe you don't. It wouldn't really matter anyway."<br>"I'm twenty years old, live in London, and I have depression."  
>"It's been an oncurring porblem I suppose, I don't really show it in my videos. This will be the only time I will."<br>"Because this is my last video. After this I'm... not going to bother to continue breathing... I guess."

* * *

><p>Marzia (CutiepieMarzia) Was logging into YouTube to check her comments. She was running short on ideas, and had asked her fans or help. She asked Felix, who was currently playing Amnesia and filming (Quite loudly too, she might add.) but all his ideas weren't very fitting for her channel.<br>The first thing that popped up when she opened YouTube was a livestream by danisnotonfire. The video was titled; My last video. (I'm sorry Phil.)  
>Marzia stared at the name for a minute. So Dan was resigning? But why is he apologizing to Phil?<br>She clicked on the video, and saw a very sad, very tearful Dan lloking at her  
><em>"I'm twenty years old, live in London, and I have depression. "<br>_This was not starting well.  
><em>"It's been an oncurring problem I suppose, I don't really show it in my videos. This will be the only time I will."<br>_"_Because this is my last video. After this I'm... Not going to bother to continue breathing... I guess."_

Marzia's mouth dropped open. She felt like she was watching herself from a third person's view. She couldn't move, think. She just sat there.  
>She felt a sound come out of her mouth, two little syllables.<br>"Felix."  
>She stood up, pushing her chair forcibly back, making it crash into the wall.<br>"Felix!" She shouted. But she could still hear him yelling at his computer screen.  
>"FELIX!" She screamed. There was a pause, then a loud crash, and the famous PewdiePie himself came tumbling into the room and grabbed Marzia by the shoudlers.<br>"What? What is it are you okay?" He was extremely out of breath.  
>"Dan posted a new video and hes.. he's threatening suicide and I don't know what t-to... what to do." She pointed at the computer screen, herd hand shaking. Felix stopped and watched for a moment, then grabbed his phone.<br>"Marzia, call Phil on your phone, I'll call an ambulance and send it to their address. Marzia hicupped and nodded.  
>"Hello?"<br>"Phil! Wheere are you? Wheere is Dan?" When Marzia got upset, her accent got very thick, and her words got jumbled.  
>"Marzia? I'm going to pick up Dan now. Where are you?"<br>"Phil Dan is uploadeeng a video on his channel. He... Hes threateneeng suicide. Phil you need to get home now ples."  
>Phil was silent for a moment.<br>"I'm going." he simply stated, then the line went dead.  
>Marzia sat on her table and let her tears finally escape. Marzia was the kind of person that would cry if someone else was sad.<br>Felix ran in.  
>"Did you call Phil?"<br>Marzia nodded and stared at her knees.  
>Felix walked over and pulled her into a hug.<br>"It'll be alright, He'll be fine, Marzie." Marzia nodded and hicupped.

* * *

><p><em>"<em>I have the pills, and I have the razors. I'm all s-set." Dan explained to the camera.  
>"Because I'm just sad. I'm always sad, and I... I'm done."<br>He sat on the end of his bad, burying his face in his hands.  
>The comments on the livestream filled up. Everyone was too afraid to comment before.<br>_Dan, Don't do this.  
>We all love you!<br>I am depressed too Dan, it sucks. But life goes on, think about Phil!  
>What will Phil think?<br>You're leaving Phil behind!  
>But Phil!<br>Phil will be devestated Dan!_

He sat, his face in his hands, for about ten minutes, before he looked straight into the camera and simply said.  
>"Goodbye internet."<p>

He picked up the razor and held it to his wrist. He made jagged cuts all down his arms, hoping the blood would leave him quickly. He lay on the bed a moment, bleeding, before picking up an orange bottle of pills.  
>He popped open the vodka and downed about seven of the pills.<br>Someone was knocking on his door.  
>"Dan! Dan open up now!" Phil's voice could be heard on the other side. A small sob escaped from Dan.<br>He had to hurry.  
>He downed twelve more pills and cut into his skin deeper, he stood up and grabbed another orange bottle from his dresser.<br>His door burst open. Phil had broken the lock.  
>"DAN!" HE screamed and hit the pills from his had, scattering them among the floor.<br>"NO PHIL. Stop." He tried to dive for the pills, but Phil grabbed him around the waist.  
>"PHIL PLEASE!" Dan's desperate screams turned into even more desperate whispers.<br>"I want to die, Phil. Please." He sobbed at the sound of an ambulance alarm.  
>He collapsed unto the floor.<p> 


	3. I'm a fuck up

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 3**

Phil drove behind the ambulance, speeding to get hospital. he wasn't allowed inside, which angred him, because he and Dan weren't married.  
>Finally arriving at the ER, Phil ran behind the medical bed in which carried his love. Dan looked awful, which his oxygen mask, and pale skin.<br>Phil was following the bed, when a heavy hand hit him in the chest.  
>"You can't go in there, son"<br>"But I'm his-"  
>"Family only in cases like this."<br>Phil scoffed.  
>"His family isn't going to show! He's going to wake up, alone, and afraid and don't think that I won't sue you and this hospital."<br>The man stared at him for a moment.  
>"Name?"<br>"Phil Lester. Now let me see my boyfriend." He clenched his fists.  
>"He's in a special care unit. Even family would have to go into the seperate waiting room. You'll be notified of his condition quicker there, though." He said, beckoning for Phil to follow him.<br>He did.

* * *

><p>Phil bounced his knee anxiously as he awaited for someone, anyone to say anything about Dan. Did they get the poison out? Are his wounds healed?<br>Only time will tell. But time was bothering Phil. He's been in the waiting room for at least three hours.  
>"Phil Lester?"<br>Phil stood up abruptly.  
>"Is Dan okay?" He blurted. The nurse smiled a bit.<br>"He's fine. He's got some scars, and he'll be unusually tired. But he's going to wake up sometime today, and we think to avoid panic attacks, you should be there."  
>Phil nodded and followed the nurse to the small room. The walls were pastel, and the floor had white tiles. A bed sit in the middle of the room, where Dan was. He was really very pale, with an oxygen mask, and a hosptial gown.<br>Phil sat down in the chair next to the bed, grabbing Dan's, surprisingly warm, hand.  
>"There is no permanent damage, physically." The nurse said, quietly. Phil nodded. "And he most likely won't try this again."<br>The nurse turned to leave with a "Tell me if you need anything." Leaving Dan and Phil alone.  
>Phil wondered if Dan was dreaming. If he was having his nightmares again. If he was, they would be prolonged, in effect to the sleeping drugs given to Dan.<br>Phil jumped in his chair. Everyone on the internet thought Dan was dead.  
>He grabbed his phone and opened twitter. Sure enough, the hashtag #RIPDanHowell was already trending.<br>"Dammit." he said to no one in particular.  
>He started typing his tweet;<p>

_Hello Phans,  
>I'm so so sorry that I haven't talked to you yet. I hope you will understand.<br>Dan is in the hospital, and very much alive. Well, not very much. He's asleep, now because of the drugs the hospital fed him.  
>He has scars that I can help heal.<br>I am so sorry you all had to experience this.  
>I might now update my social media (Including YouTube) For a little while, for obvious reasons, neither will Dan.<br>Thanks.  
>-Phil<em>

The tweet was immediately spread social media, and when Phil checked his phone an hour later, the new hashtag that was trending was #DanHowellLives

* * *

><p>About eight hours later, Phil lay his head on the bed next to Dan's. Phil was tired. The beep of Dan's heart monitor and Dan's shallow breath put him in the state of being half-awake, and half-alseep.<br>Phil stared at his boyfriend drowsily, studying his facial features. His flat iron had worn off, so his brown hair curled at its tips. He had plump cheekbones, and tired brown eyes.

His eyes were open.  
>"Phil..?" Dan moaned as he turned his head to look at the other boy.<br>"Dan!" Phil gapsed and pulled him into a tight, but careful hug.  
>"I was so worried Dan."<br>"Where am I..?" Dan mubled, hugging his boyfriend back.  
>"You're... in the hospital." Phil responded.<br>Dan nodded slighty. "In the... hospital..."  
>Dans memories suddenly flooded his.<br>"Oh my god! He sat up, and winced.  
>"Don't do that to your arms, Dan. Take it easy!"<br>"Phil, what did I do?!"  
>"Dan it's-"<br>"Don't say it's fine. Oh god, I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up."  
>"Dan-"<br>"I'm a fuck up, Phil! I should have waited longer. I should have blocked our friends from the livestream! I should-"  
>"That's what you're worried about?" Phil didn't say it angrily, more surprised. Heartbroken.<br>"I just... I needed to go. I deserve to-"  
>"Nobody deserves to die, Dan! Escpecially you! What have you ever done? Noth-"<br>"I dont deserve you!"  
>The words echoed through the empty room, as both boys stared at eachother, for entirely different reasons.<br>"I don't. I ruin your life, I make you cry, you could do so much better without me!"  
>Phil remained silent.<br>"My own parents even hated me! They've always been disappointed in me! They disowned me, Phil. My own parents! You'd be perfectly happy if i wasn't here and you know it, Phil. I'm a fucking mistake. I even failed at trying to make it stop. I shouldn't have made a video, I should've just shot myself through the fucking head. And now I've gone and done it. I sucked you in with me, and I'm going down. You could have found someone so much better! And I'm done trying. Go find someone else. Your gonna get a lot better guy than a fuck up like me."  
>Phil stared at Dan, his mouth hanging open. Dan sat up on the bed, and hugged his knees, facing away from Phil.<br>"Dan." Phil stood up, and took Dan's face in his hands. He pressed his lips to his and kissed him lightly. Dan slowly kissed back, surprised.  
>Phil finally pulled away<br>"Don't say that. I'd never be as happy if you were gone. Alright?" He wiped away Dan's tears.  
>Dan shook his head.<br>"I don't believe you."


	4. Its not your fault, but-

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 4**

Dan stared at Phil a moment.  
>"I need to sleep. You can leave, or whatever." He layed on his back, tears still running down his face.<br>"I'm not leaving Dan. Do you want me to?"  
>Reluctantly, Dan shook his head.<br>"Great."  
>Phil lifted the bed covers and lay next to Dan, fitting his head into Dan's shoulder, the way he always did.<br>And they stayed like that for who knows long.  
>Five minutes or three days, all Phil could think was that Dan was broken.<br>He was pitch black  
>And broken<p>

Fourteen messages from PJ.  
>Twelve messages from Louise.<br>Thriteen messages from Chris.  
>Sixteen messages from Tyler.<br>Sixteen messages from Cat.  
>Two messages from Marzia.<p>

Phil scrolled through his Phone, counting off the messages.

PJ: Where the fuck is Dan  
>Phil: Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.<p>

Louise: I am so sorry Phil I really am I didn't even know Dan was sad I could have helped...  
>Phil:Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.<p>

Chris: dans a fucking saint he didnt deserve this. u ok?  
>Phil:Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.<p>

Tyler: Phil I swear to god I am so so sorry I didn't know if you want I can buy a plane ticket to visit you if you need someone. I really am sorry Dan was great and he deserved better. I know you made him happy.  
>Phil: Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.<p>

Cat: Phil I am sobbing so hard Im so sry i didnt know  
>Phil:Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.<p>

Marzia: I hope you made it safely to the hospital. I really am sorry for whatever happened. Dan s a great guy, I didn't know him much, but I enjoy him when he's around. Have a nice day.  
>Phil:Dan is in the hospital. Alive. I'm busy atm, so I won't reply much. Thanks for caring.<br>Pausing, Phil added;  
>You saved his life, and my happiness, Marzia. Thank you.<p>

Dan stirred slightly in his sleep, and Phil felt Dan's arms wrap around his waist. Phil knew for a fact he and Dan ould get through this. He'd be there 100% of the way.

Phil paced the room as Dan got his bandages changed. He felt like neither of them had left this room in years. Still, Dan was happier this way, with Phil there. Phil could tell.

"Have you eaten anything in the last two days, sir?" The blonde nurse asked, her voice too sweet and peppy to be natural.  
>Dan looked at Phil.<br>"No." phil stated blankly, leaning against the wall.  
>"Have you been walking around?"<br>Dan looked at Phil.  
>"No." Phil repeated.<br>"Well, , can you pick up some food from the food court? My shift ends in five minutes, I could show you the way." She smiled widely. Phil nodded.  
>"I'll be back in a bit." Phil told Dan. Dan nodded and watched him leave, heavy bags and the absence of a smile premittably absent.<br>The nurse grabbed Phil's arm.  
>" , not taking care of yourself is a sure sign of depression, and I've seen a lot of signs of depression in your, er, friend ."<br>"Boyfriend, and I know. But I can't take him to a doctor and he's already taken way too many meds to be healthy." Phil corrected, concern tinting his voice.  
>"Please, try to make him eat something at least, he might refuse."<br>"Yea, He's been like this before, a long, long time ago. I'll do my best." Phil reassured the nurse, giving her an empty smile. She directed him to the food court and he walked absentmindedly, his hands filling his pockets.  
>Chips, vinegar, and two burgers occupied the plate Phil carried. He tried to pick something that wouldn't be too much for Dan's stomach, but had protien. Two plain burgers surved both purposes.<br>He opened the door and immediately knew Dan was not going to eat anything. He sat cross-legged on the bed, black jeans and t-shirt, phone in hand, eyeing the burger te kind of way he looked at moths. Disguisted.  
>"Dan, you have to eat one of them." Phil countered, taking his off the plate. Dan rolled his eyes and stared back down at his phone.<br>"Dan!" Phil grabbed Dan's phone, just to receive Dan staring at the wall.  
>"Dan, you have to eat."<br>"Why?" Dan said defiantly.  
>"Because if you don't, you'll starve to death." Phil spat, irritable for being trapped up for two days and irritable for Dan's lack of progress.<br>"So what, Phil?"  
>"Daniel Howell you're one of the most difficult people I've ever met."<br>"Then leave if i make you so miserable."  
>"You're still on about that? Dan-"<br>Dan stared at Phil, refusing to eat.  
>"You're acting like a toddler." Phil stated, staring at him. Dan stared at the wall.<br>Phil angrily paved the room, then leaned on the trey at the front of the bed, his back bent, his head forward.  
>"Dan, I know it's not your fault you're sick. It's not you're fault at all, not even a little. But it is your fault for not trying to get better. I need you to eat so we both can be happy again."<br>Dan ate.


	5. Going home and VidCon

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT Who friggin knows anymore**

It was finally time to go home.  
>Phil felt like he and Dan had been trapped up in that hospital for weeks on end. Literally no matter how many trips he took to the bathroom or food court he oulnd't get rid of his jitterleg.<br>and Dan was happy too. For once in forever he could curl up on the couch next to Phil, his shoulder occupied by Phil's head, his hand around Phil's waist.  
>Basically he wanted to spend time with Phil.<br>So they got in the car, the sun seeming brighter than before, and they drove off. Just like that they were gone, away form the hospital that saved Dan's life.  
>"Phil?" Dan said, scrolling through his social media.<br>"Yea bear?" Phil said, not taking his eyes off the road.  
>"Thanks for telling people I'm not dead."<br>"Yea, bear. No problem."  
>Dan had definately progressed at least a little bit back in the hospital. He was eating, and caring about his appearence once more, which was good. Phil just wanted his old Dan back. Little did he know he'd get a lot more than that.<br>"Dan, VidCon is in three weeks." Phil realized. What if they had to miss it? Phil's heart dropped at the thought of the disappointed fans.  
>"Mmmm..." Dan said, staring out the window, his thoughts draining. He could get through five days, right?<br>What if he had a panic attack on the plane?  
>"'ll be fine, I'll bring some sort of... I dunno." Dan leaned his head on the back of his chair and closed his eyes.<p>

Three weeks later  
>+++<p>

It was an understatement to say that Phil was totally stressed out.  
>Dan had originally been helping him pack for VidCon, but packing, as it always did, usually stressed people out in the fear of forgetting something. So when Phil saw Dan's eyebrows becoming closer and closer knit and his eyes becoming wider and wider Phil finally asked him to go read YouTube comments on their gaming channel. understanding completely, Dan left a very alone Phil to pack for himself.<br>And he had to pac for to as well.  
>So he packed socks, and underwear, and trousers, and shirts. And the luxuries like DS and anime on disk and other stuff that he and Dan could do quietly.<br>And at the end of it all, Phil fell asleep on Dan's bed at 7:45 PM

**OK I have to go to bed but I rly wanted to update for yall.. To be honest I had an anxiety attack today and I just need sleep. Don't ask. Good night! Comment what you want to happen!**


	6. Since when did I become nobody

**Warning: Depression, suicide, cutting, swearing, and suggestive themes.**

**CHPT 6**

Airports were one of the things that made Dan anxious, with the big crowds, and the fear of missing a flight, all in all it was what Dan would call a big ball of nope.  
>And that was where he was at that exact moment. In an airport.<br>And it did help that Phil was there, but Phil really was shit with keeping track of what flight they needed to get on and what seat they needed to sit in and where they needed to go. And he tried, he really did. But Dan soon realized it was up to him.  
>So he got their tickets, found their flight, found their seats, and Dan just wanted to sleep.<br>He was digging trough his carry-on when Phil squeezed his upper arm and whispered in his ear, "You did really good, then." And Phil then lay his head on Dan's shoulder.  
>Dan lay his head on top of Phil's, his headphones playing the song Fall Out Boy, his heart beating along with the drums.<br>The long plane ride would give Dan time to think. Which is something he's been doing a lot lately.  
>And obviously, he's been thinking about his suicide.<br>Something had cracked inside of Dan, he felt broken. Sick. He had forgotten everything important and tried to poison himself. Worst of al, he'd lied to Phil so he could. Which sucked, because it showed how badly he did want to die. Sometimes he still does.  
>It's obvious Dan has problems with anxiety, stress, and emotion in general. 2009 to around 2011 were the suckiest years ever. And then Phil came along and he elt fixed. But now, he felt broken again.<br>Worst of all, it was effecting Phil.  
>It was a lot to put on Phil's shoulders, and Dan hated that. He knew Phil deserved so much better than himself, but Phil just wouldn't hear it. And now here he was, lying in the same shitty boyfriend's shoulder. Dan would be a wreck without Phil, but Dan knew some amazingly attractive guy would come in and swoop Phil off his feet. Dan hate the thought of it, but it would be so much better for his lion. If only his lion agreed...<p>

VidCon was always fun, and Phil really loved hanging around the other YouTubers, expecially after the meetups and interviews. There was a little meetup in their room at the moment, including Dan, Phil, Toby, Felix, Caspar, and Joe. The guys were just watching a movie and scrolling through twitter and such, pretending to o womething until the girls got back from the pool and everyone left. It's not like they didn't enjoy one another's company, its just that they were all tired from their day of meeting some normal, some very not, fans and running around doing interviews all day.  
>Dan and Phil were laying on their bed, Harry Potter playing in the background, while Felix and Toby were discussing some random select games, and Joe was sitting at Caspar's sleeping side, half listening.<br>"-people keep asking me to play Amnesia again and I'm so bored of the game and I haven't played it in like, three years."  
>"I'm getting seriously sick of Happy Wheels, but everyone asks where the happy wheels videos are and I just put them up because I'm a coward."<br>It was around 8 PM, 2 AM British time, so Dan and Phil were tired to say the least. Felix should have been tired, considering he lived in britain, but he seemed perfectly awake talking to Toby.  
>Finally, they all got so bored of listening to each other blink, and decided to do a huge collab video, and since it was Joe's idea, it was going on his channel.<br>"Hey guys! So I'm here with these assholes-" He gestured to the men around him. "And we're-"  
>"Gonna shoot one big giant porn." Caspar interrupted.<br>"Ummmm no, sadly, we are going to play HOTEL TRUTH OR DARE!" Joe yelled, and everyone around him cheered.  
>"So, I asked you all to tweet specific people with specific hachtags, specific questions. So, Felix." Joe turned to Felix. "Truth or Dare?!"<br>The video went on pretty well, until finally it was over, and Caspar ended up asking the receptionist if she has herpes, quite creepily, Phil might add, and everyone went to bed.  
>Everyone but Dan and Phil.<br>Dan seemed pretty tense, and Phil had sudden jetlag, so he and Dan decided to watch the end of Harry Potter.  
>"I feel sick." Dan muttered, leaning against Phil.<br>"Are you?" He touched Dan's forehead, but he seemed fine.  
>"Did you see some of those questions for me? When Caspar asked me truth or dare?"<br>And Phil knew exactly what he was talking about. There was that one little question among many others that staed simply, 'You should've died.'  
>And most of the other ones were, 'Why did you attempt suicide?'<br>And Phil didn't bring it up, obviously because there were ther people, and maybe it didn't bother Dan. But he doubted it.  
>"Those are dumb trolls, Dan. They have no life."<br>"I've seen a lot of those lately. I'm gonna take some asprin." Dan stood up, but Phil grabbed his sleeve.  
>"No Dan, no more pain killers, you've taken so many, you're getting sick off of them. I heard you vomiting the other day. I didn't want to say anything, but those things can really mess up your-"<br>"Who fucking cares anymore Phil?! No one!" Dan yelled, pulling his arm away from Phil.  
>"Don't say that Dan..." Phil replied quietly. Dan shook his head.<br>"Why shouldn't I, Phil? Why fucking shouldn't I! I'm so sick of my stupid life, and sometimes I just want it to go away! It's purposeless! I have no meaning!"  
>"Dan, so many people love you, you have0"<br>"Nobody fucking actually cares Phil! If I seriously killed myself, who would cry? Thrirty, fourty fangirls? For a week tops? I have made zero impact on this world, and no one cares if I die or not. I-"  
>"SINCE WHEN DID I BECOME NOBODY?!" Phil screamed, cascading silence across the room. Dan stared, Phil never raised his voice.<br>"I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT WHEN YOU SAY THAT DAN! IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M NOT DOING MY JOB AS A BOYFRIEND. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE EVERYTIME I'M THERE FOR YOU DOESN'T DO A SINGLE THING. WELL, I'M TRYING, OKAY? I CAN'T NOT BE UPSET SOMETIMES, I CAN'T BE PEFECT. AND I KNOW YOU CAN'T EITHER, AND I'M TRYING TO HELP BUT ALL THAT HAPPENS IS-" Phil's voice caught, and he burst into tears. Wiping them off his cheeks with his sleeve, he left, quietly closing the door behind him.  
><strong>HOPE YOU LIKED IT! You can send me suggestions either in reviews or in tumblr sociopaths-slitheen-and-snape. I'm thinking about a highschool AU as well...<br>****Updating either tomorrow or Sunday! Bye loves! -Tootsie**


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